During a conversation with a girl at Church tonight I was reminded of a story from when I first moved to Chicago. I did my best to translate this to her with love & encouragement as I recounted the first 12 months of my living in Chicago. It went swimmingly along with today's message, and you'll see why in a few paragraphs/less than a minute.
God is amazing. For the past 3000 years, ok, 25 years I have lived with this very strong sense of awe at who my God is, & what He is capable of doing. I've seen women bounce back from heroin addictions, I've been in the room many times when people have made life altering decisions for the better: I've been healed, I've been brought back to life, I've watched children grow. I've been in plateau work for Grotowski, & have caught sticks being tossed behind me without looking. I've found money. I've found clothing. I've found food I didn't know I had. In every area of my life I have watched God prevail time & time again. Every area except for one.
Four years ago I was raped by someone who I knew. About 4 months after that I was raped again by a friend's brother. And a year later I was drugged and raped by my neighbor. Now, as much as I wish I could say, "Oh no it's ok, i'm perfectly fine now." I'm not. I'm getting there. I will continue to get there as I continue my therapy ;) and being honest with the actual condition of my heart. AND not shutting down. Oh also, I spent the majority of relationships, the majority of growing up as well telling my heart to take a nap, and allowing my brain to take care of the rational of it all. The guy friend didn't know I was sleeping. The brother of the friend thought I was playing. At least the neighbor made me dinner. Very easily twisted logic to save the heart.
However, the heart still feels things whether we want to tell it to put a sock in it or not.
In fact, the heart in some cases knows better than the mind. Perfection is reached when they both are operating at the same - for the same goal. The stronger the value driving the force of action, the stronger & clearer the action being made. Which is why it's important to make decisions while praying, consciously slowing down to promote an awareness of the infinity that lies inside of each of us because of Christ Jesus. My heart is in the state it is in because that's where my heart is. The state being, feeling things. And loving it. Letting go of past fears & embracing hope. I am where I am supposed to be, and I am "gladly" (a shorter term for "crying a lot & feeling deep pain I didn't know I was carrying") watching what God is doing in my life.
I am where I am supposed to be because God is not a stationary being, we are not stationary beings, we are constantly moving forward & in the pursuit of Christ becoming sanctified. My issue has never been not knowing what to do, but just continuing doing what i'm already doing & trusting God that I can relax. Relax in the sense of resting, finding comfort, taking a time out from the problem solver, fixing, intellectual artist inside of me & just thanking God for placing me where I am. I can finally stop appropriating tools intended to better my life. Because it is a beautiful life.
I can let go in every area of my life, and for the first time I think ever i'm letting go here as well. At least opening up a bit and allowing myself to be vulnerable, at least somewhat. Failing miserably in some areas but Rome wasn't built in a day & i'm pretty sure people dropped stuff all the time. I feel quite literally, completely renewed. During the conversation with this girl this evening, it became apparent- words came out of my mouth that only God could have tailored- Romans 8:28, Philippians 4:12, I was staring at myself a year ago.
Her mismatched understanding of trust in God lies in her finances- which can be difficult at times for even the savviest of us all. She sat there and told me story after story of God intervening & clung so desperately to the fear of being overwhelmed by her expenses. It was awesome watching God shake her from it with the constant repetition of the things she was telling me hahah.
In May of 2010 I had nothing. I had an air mattress, a bicycle, a bass guitar, & my laptop. I wrote out an emaill to my long distance boyfriend with the subject, "Things God is Going to Bring to me so I Don't Have to Buy Them". I told my roommate and she thought it was crazy. He laughed but said Praise God & Amen! And two weeks later I received a knock on my door from downstairs neighbor who was going to drive to LA. He hadn't started packing & needed help. With tears in his eye he recruited me & gave me a lot of the items he couldn't fit. Including, a fish tank, which was on the list- also, a queen size tempurpedic foam topped mattress, a set of awesome dark wood book shelves...and the list goes on. And it's all dark wood.
Get it? She got it, it kind of blew her mind. Which was very good. Instead of praying for, Lord do _____ for me. Ask God to give you His desires, to make His will your own. If guarantee you that if you this God will respond. God always responds.
Now I can, with out a doubt stare you in the face and say I completely have no clue what is going to happen. God has been asking to let go of time, to let go of outcome, and is now asking me to give Him my worth in place of His. His love.
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