Friday, January 22, 2016

Homie Don't Play That Rushrush

Nothing indecisive.  Nothing subjective.

Struggling introspectives are the worst.  End self-loath :)

There is this pull towards a relationship of the will of the Lord and actual effective action steps.  But what if I get going too fast, God?  And lose sight of You?

Important questions to ask, because, if I believe what I believe - and I do - then my reality is formed on the basis that God orders my steps.  Great!  That is great, and I have story after story to show you why our God is deserving of Praise.  "Order my steps?"  It's like i'm on a freaking conveyer walkway at an airport.  Woooooooooo

SO how does one walk on that walkway and still struggle with doubts of whether or not it's God's will?  Can we be so intentional with our walk we lose sight of the freedom?  I'd VENTURE a yes

Highlighting the necessity for my steps to be according to God's will sure, comes from a pure place, but a misguided (all the puns guys) understanding of His sovereignty.  Asking God for His will and then not doing anything is a preposterous way to approach living.  Moses came up on a well in the desert that was bitter, but it was the faith in God to throw in the stick down that made that water drinkable.

You see, with the intentionality of living a life to give praise to our God - to bring others into relationship with God, anything and everything can and will be used for His glory no matter the pedian.  (a made up word)

The pause, the moment of overflowing joy happens when we wait on God to use those steps according to His perfect purpose.  When we wait on the Lord to bring into completion all the moving parts of this brilliant, all connected world we live and breath in.

Wait's in Him we live and move and have our being.  Mother flippin autopilot - any gate, any plane - sing Praise!

Monday, July 21, 2014

What a fantastical journey


It may be, internally the best moment of my life, eternally speaking free from strife and let me tell you breathing feels good.  Entering into college my second year we learned a lot about our breathing, our breathe, our life force and I learned that I did not breathe much.

Holding my breathe

Always holding my breathe

With a resting pulse rate of 42, my body had been conditioned to always being ready for a response

And here we are, free again but this time I'm returning to a peace, a freedom I attained when I was a young child- something so simple and elegant that regardless of circumstances my joy is filled.

How much more living can be done from a place of borderline arrogance, an arrogance of living life to the fullest because it has been given to you - blessed to you - graced to you - and in mercy you're undeserving but still able to muster up a thank you, to muster up a Praise God or a glory hallelujah, or at least today was a my lucky day.

Borderline arrogance is a luxury quick to slip to contentment when not challenged with the ever giving truth a promise brings - this is not the end, our lives here are as fleeting as the wind, and our ability to leave any bit of a mark on the world is something to be held in hands that are clean.  I can't for the life of me, all potential puns intended, express into words what it feels like to be running for so long and to finally, for once, sit still.  To be still and to know God is God - to actually in my heart and soul beat simply together out of love for Creator and in care for all He creates.

Kind of makes me want to punch myself.  Bloody it up a bit to make me feel better about the fact that I don't deserve this much elegance or beauty.  If that's not a sheer shock of selfish humanity i'm not sure what is.

But no, lavished grace and an unashamed face and still all I can muster up is a thank you, is a "God you are magnificent beyond my words, here take my heart, here take my work, here please take all of me"

Until there is nothing left, except for a girl in a slip dress sitting in her bedroom at 5 min until tomorrow unable to do anything but be.  I can't sleep and for good cause, I guess .  Some cause I guess

Did you know my sweetest heart is calm?  Under layers and layers of living, under wraps of jokes and thoughts and musings, my sweetest heart is calm and I know this because it's pouring water, out of my tear ducts.

Sweet peace, beautiful evening...hola manana

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Pray for Those Who Persecute You

Matthew 5:44-45, 48
     "But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you in order that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.... Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

A challenging verse even for the staunchiest of Christians and often less associated with those who consider themselves anything close to the word "staunch".  The text begs for us to take a higher calling and let circumstances not get in the way of the Lord's purpose in each life created here on this planet.

Over the past couple of weeks i've heard the call to pray for our enemies followed with, "So you will start to feel better about the person" or "your heart will change toward that individual", rarely does the phrase explain what those feelings are or what that change looks like.  What concerns my heart is this phrase will be taken out of context, that people will begin to pray for those who are persecuting them - simply so they can feel better about being around the individual.

This is not the purpose of the prayer nor is it anywhere in the calling of the verse.  We do not pray for our enemies so we can walk around this Earth feeling ok/indifferent about the atrocities and malevolence (not the movie) of others.  While the byproduct of a life fully lived in Christ does equip us with a sort of ready-at-hands detachment from a great deal of reality, we are called to pray for our enemies because we are called to love our enemies.

Under the pain and pressure of the world - under the circumstances and chaos of the day every man is born fragile and every heart longs to be reunited with the Lord.  That is our prayer, not so we can feel better, but so they can feel better.  Not so our tempers will stay calm, so that the destruction our enemies put forth will not utterly destroy their relationships with around them.  Not so we can "fix" them.  We are called to love them regardless of how we are feeling in the moment and whatever the superior fleeting circumstantial outcome might be.

The sun ALSO rises.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

And he waddled away!

Kids teach me the most about our relationship with God. In fact there are so many things that have happened in my life- pieces coming together at the last minute or memories of prayers from years ago coming together in unscrupulous manners.  I have seen God move in magnificent fashions and consider myself beyond blessed because in this outpouring of awesome the only thing I've really done is wait..and watch. 

Last year I have up orchestrating my relationships for lent. An entrepreneur and producer creator at heart it is easy for me to say that that that and not that but enough about me - the Lenten period was to assess my ability to focus on my instrument. On who God wants me to sound like so I can more readily play well with others. It wasn't until December that I actually felt I had my own voice or at the very least was able to respond to God's without cross checking with the rest of the symphony for guidance. 

This year I'm giving up procrastination.  So for the 20 minute train ride I shall jot on my iPhone:

We run so much faster when our palms are open to The Lord and our burdens are given to him. 

I saw this in practice today on the way to school when the child in my care saw his friend up ahead,"I want to catch up to him, here hold my backpack Ms Gabbie" "Lift your backpack up so you can-?" "Run!"

And so I held the handle on his backup just enough so he could run without the extra weight on his 4 year old frame.

Pretty great right? Thanks, God, for the delightful physical example of what you have been trying to communicate to me. 


He asked me to set the backpack down again. We had gotten pretty close and this smart child did not want the other kid to see me carrying his burden-I mean-back pack. So I set it down, which weighed him down, which kept him from actually catching up to him. 


"Ms Gabbie will you please carry my backpack again?" "Yes dear child"


"Ok I want to carry it by myself"

And then I started to observe - truthfully if we ran up and made it to his friend would  his friend even notice I was carrying his backpack?  No way!

And when we finally did make it to his friend he blew right past him and laughed and his friend let out a surprise - lil dude did not want to "catch up" to his friend he wanted to beat him.  He wanted to win. He wanted to be successful.

Now I am in no way villianizing my early am pal.  He is 4.  And I can't seem to even spell vilifying... :)

How often do we hold onto our burdens so we can "look good" and only ask God so we can "win"?  

Hold me to this. If I come to you with a care and ask you to pray let's aim our hearts to give up the burden to God so we can build better relationships with each other.  So we can run freely and love immensely. Not so we can catch up 

...and then waddle away

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Integration Station

There is a distinct point I would argue in which the author and editor of your life blend into a beautiful, extraordinary machine.

I feel like God is grooming me and I am losing patience with myself over things I once took for granted as character flaws or flesh.

Galatians 5 popped up on my Bible app today and the biggest take away that i've ever received from that passage rests in our ability to let go of the flesh and fly with the Spirit.  The inward struggle is something that we will feel and we can rest assured that embracing the Holy Spirit, what we know to be good and what it is that we are laid out to do as Christians is the best way for living.

A mutual friend introduced me to a gentleman who made his way to my birthday this past weekend and I was delighted during our conversation to find out his blog contains very real and logical explanations for our God.  I would urge you to check out his website "God Evidence" even for the chance to see what logic runs behind the personal experiences I share with you here.  I will link that jam.

The best foundation for anything is a solid foundation, we know this to be true..  Nobody builds a house on iffy ground unless they plan on scamming the new owners.  When people build their lives on things that are fleeting they scam themselves and those around them.

I have zero intention on building my house on anything but solid truth.  The solid truth you know deep inside that remains as a channel of life.  For me it's Christ, this is my solid truth - that God in His infinite and immaculate nature now rests inside of us and communes with us everywhere we go.   Not by my own splendor- I am a reflection of Christ's glory that I choose to walk in and I daily grow into this coat of many colors stitched to me by the Holy Spirit.  You're here underneath this coat too!   I can hardly handle how amazing it is sometimes.

The past couple of weeks God has led me to reading 2 Chronicles which opens up with describing Solomon's building of the temple.  This is my focus this year - to build life built around the splendor and majesty of God for the splendor and majesty of God.  No fillers, no low hanging ceilings or laminate wood counter tops.  But rather solid gold resting pools and the finest fabric.  This is a spiritual matter of which I am speaking - high ceilings and gold fixtures would be nice but i'm not planning on moving until at least my lease is up! ;)

So as it seems for the past two years when I had been feeling as though God was taking sand paper to my soul, He was and is, and now here we are drenched in Scripture and resting at home with God laying out some designs on this swept foundational floor.  Completely content naked and vulnerable and also ridiculously safe.  He's grooming me and I look forward to seeing what He has in mind.

Whatcha goin put in this temple Lord?  Whatcha goin use it for?  All for you! My audience of One.

Friday, September 20, 2013


I sit on my couch staring at the hardwood floor recently revealed in my roommate's removal of the area rug.  She is presently locating the perfect spot in her wedding home and we are exceedingly excited for her.  Our floor is bare.  This is a drab beginning.  I'm trying to use present tense and not use the word "this" and "that" every other line.  You see, it's important for you the reader to take my writing seriously.  It is necessary to convey my mastery of the English language, to present myself in a manner that makes you say "ooo" and "aaaah".  Pardon, " present myself in a manner in which you are only capable of uttering "oooo"s and "aaaah"s.  And how.

Frankly for the past 26 years of my life, as I am subject to the human condition of innate desires and fleshly wisdom, continue to wax and wane between an irrational concept of grandeur and a complete abandonment of self awareness.  Grandeur (black) and lack of self awareness (white) bracket the equation and my waxing and waning often falls somewhere in between.  In these terms it is easy to say, "Well no, grandeur is not something by which I would consider myself." oft spoke by individuals who have read case studies surrounding borderline personality disorders and narcism, or who are at least socially aware enough to locate and dutifully process the negative connotation surrounding "illusions to grandeur".

However when challenged, amidst conversation it is not surprising to find these same individuals arguing over who understood the concept first, who was accurate all along, and who has the next book being published that already covered all of it.  No illusions to grandeur there, no, not in a group of 3-5 individuals- that's simply "staking ones claim" or "contributing to the conversation".

Abandoning self awareness is also just as ugly on the social foreground, it's all fun and games until you're the only sober one in the room and the complete abandonment of social awareness prompts you to locate your early childhood education degree.

The first producer I worked for stated that the wisest person in the room is often the quietest, someone also said in best crass fashion that the quiet ones are the best between the sheets- i'm single and not married so i'll get back to you on that one, maybe... doubtful- but the former is definitely true.  Often the ones who are not promoting themselves or speaking up are the ones who are in laymans terms, legit.  The ones who aren't legit, who are in their internal workings lazy and procrastinating project to their outer world hopes dreams and aspirations, illusions of grandeur, two cents.  And/or are striving hard to make sure their outside looks good enough so they can work towards the inside.  Vanity.

Sometimes when i'm bored I ask God to teach my something and then I just start reading Scripture.

 One time most recently I opened up to Ecclesiastes, and said, why not...if you have never read this book make sure you get yourself some comfort beverage, a cool glass of coconut milk---- or a warm glass of coconut milk with raw brown sugar in it.  Ecc. is a doozy, passed down from our man Solomon who in his reign assumed an enormous amount of wealth, a blessing by the Lord due to his earnest seeking of wisdom instead of riches.  He messed up big time but that's another conversation.

You can be the most saavy person in conversation but wisdom is a precision instrument and Solomon was a brain surgeon who got a little too punch drunk.

That's was an intense metaphor.  Ugh, that.

This entire book is him lamenting.  Essentially.  "All is vanity" "Nothing new under the sun" These little catch phrases originated from here and as I did read this about a month or so ago I can now aptly respond, God challenged my vanity.

I've never looked at myself as a vain person but refinement doesn't always smooth over jagged edges, sometimes it's much finer and the abrasion are a bit deeper.  Coming out of PTSD paranoia will leave anyone a bit turned around but I was challenged in the way I approached others in conversations.  The way I related to circumstances, and in relation to the Gospel what this meant in how I was loving others.

A quick side note - the number 238 follows me- probably because I listened to copious amounts of twothirtyeight growing up, and also because of Philippians 2:3-8--- go read it! Now!

If I am serving and choosing to love others and put regard them as higher than myself then any selfish notion or vanity is counter intuitive.  These items can not coexist.  Now I share this with you and because you are a loyal reader I will throw in a bonus item, warning: if you choose to ask God to point out this fleshy part of you He will.

Conversation after conversation I found myself pausing before speaking - realizing that what was being brought up in conversation was pointing to me, not to God, not edifying the other person and it felt good !  Of course!  We live in a world where it's promoted above anything else, meet and greet's, elevator speeches, selfies.. we are a vain world.  Holding your tongue and choosing to do something that means you aren't getting "your voice heard" and choosing "not to pursue your own desires".  Remember we as a collective speeches are not necessarily the last word on the benefits of our desires.  I desire to eat this entire bag of chocolate chips sitting next to me.  Case in point.

And somewhere in all of this I got slapped in the face, reality checked into realizing that this vanity thing I thought I had under control was bigger than I thought.  A woman came into the line next to me and had a beautifully inked calligraphy sprawl of the word "AUDACIOUS" across her chest.

And I thought to myself in my line while I was at my work making my money smiling at my customers and working on my spiritual growth, wow at least i'm not that vain.

And I rested in this thought for the next few minutes and then I hated where I was resting.

And then I realized that this woman had "AUDACIOUS" branded across her chest.

And I had the word "AUDACIOUS" branded across my heart.

It's good to recognize the gifts God has given you but only if you intend to use them.  And it is good to give your opinion on subjects if it builds the conversation and brings clarity.  It's also important to share your struggles especially with the intention of bringing others to pray.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't shut this blog down right now.  Give me one good reason why my contribution to conversations should be anything other than uplifting and edifying someone else.  Give me one good reason why I should self manage, seek my own selfish desires, and even pursue those noble desires I have deemed fit for supplication in my relationships.  Give me one good reason why I should do anything other than exist in this one isolated singular moment and respond to reality with love and the God given passion that fuels my creativity, and leave outcomes and rituals, and subconscious ocd laden "that"s in my writings as is.

Because in the end my contribution to this world will only be as great as the contribution of others inspired by the intentions of my heart.  And if the intentions of my heart are inherently self seeking then my contribution is useless.  Reread 1 Cor 13 with this mindset.

A peculiar people is what Paul describes in 1 Peter, one that is no longer bound to flesh, and this, this is where I will choose to rest.  Come literally hell or high water, I choose to shrug the vain and see what happens when I turn the mirror from myself and choose to reflect some sunshine.

I'm not going amish, but color me grey on the Grandeur | Awareness spectrum.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Backgammon for Winners

The man across from me reads his book as an ivy grade-based scholarship led grad student.  

And That was a scholarly attempt at being poetic- nice eh? Hahaha

This man is reading "Backgammon for Winners". Backgammon is a game for Kings! Kings don't just win, they win with purpose! Kings steward! 

You can't study to be a king!  Kings are appointed!

You can study to know how a king operates and makes decisions. You can study to see how a king loves and respects those under his rule. You can study to see how a king fails and recovers. In all this studying though it does not and never will make you a king. 

I'm about to start seminary and I look forward to studying our King but the knowledge provided in academia pales under the consideration of how massively large our God is and how silly our own formulaic methods of understanding are. 

After God showed me a very important lesson while I was pouring lemonade I asked Him to teach me things. Ha!  Haha! Hahahaha-haha!  What is the Lord going to teach me and why!?  He created this Universe! He is so much larger than anything I could ever want or need to understand for this day to day life!  As if I was asking The Lord for a cup of water from Niagra Falls!  

And we sit and amass knowledge and consider our understandings great when the small ounce of what we know no where compares to the omniscience of our God!  How silly it is to ask God to teach me things when God is so far beyond my understanding that He should be considered merciful in not teaching me everything!  And though He does instruct us to ask Him to teach us His ways it is not a pursuit so we may do well here on Earth or know more than others or be better or make an A+++, it is to know Him, so we may rest and rejoice with Him in perfect unity through Jesus.

Technically you aren't actually regarded as understanding things unless you're able to put them into words and communicate them with others. 

God did design us this way to ensure the transfer of basic human skillz - just as he planted a tree and it is green and the receptors in our eyes find the color green the most appealing - Everything has a significant purpose in the relationship to something else. 

The purpose of academies and relationships is to build a strong springboard between individuals able enough to carry the very things that make us speechless. Those things in which only the Spirit can give utterance. 

Like marriage!  That's a perfect example! People get married to have sex. False!  People get married for tax right offs.  False!  People get married to breed.  Closer, but false!  People get married so their unity can spring forth a life beyond each individual. Something untangable by sensory data alone.  A third something fully known only by God and He is gracious enough to share it. It is precious. 

And as God continues to refine my heart I hope that whoever God has given the love to marry me will understand this so we can build our marriage and do more for The Lord than we can ever do on our own.  Glory to The Lord that cannot be quantified by our own terms!

------Building things on the foundations of the Lord's merciful apportionment of His understanding so we may bring the most glory to Him and exist in relationship with Him to the fullest while we live here on this Earth.-----

I hope that reading man wins every game of backgammon he plays. More importantly I hope that the conversations he has during the backgammon games enriches their lives in a manner incapable to be fully grasped by words. 

Long live the king of Backgammon and glory to The Lord who provides silly Saturday analogies.