Fighting What You Do Not Understand

For the past two months i've been taking some extra time to really focus on what it means to be In Christ, and what it means to live this life. However, much to my chagrin, the transition has been all but smooth. In fact, the appropo adjective would be along the lines of: messy, chaotic, & confusing.


Events of change over the past two months:


I'm back in therapy.  

I'm not where I want to be yet, but this whole covering my past with relationships & nonsense so I don't have to face issues is tired.  In fact, it's a disservice to myself & to those I care about- frankly, despicable.  That's me calling it as it is, not being too hard on myself.  As I get farther away from trauma drama situations it's easier to pinpoint what exactly it is that causes the emotions I have.  Seeing the conditioning for what it is, as you would notice that the coloring was off on an old television.  Every time you turned it on, same picture, same show, slightly off color--The picture is great, the sound is great but the color, is just off-sure you can correct the color, just turn the dial, but it takes effort, every time you talk with someone, every time you think about something, and every time you feel.  It goes beyond anxiety- because the root of anxiety isn't rational- this is falsely applied rational.  It's handicap that I've allowed myself to live with but i'm reaching an age where I can see the residual effects to such an extent that any reroute or coping is more harmful than beneficial. I'm calling this false application of post stress "Gilbert".  I'm Breaking up with Gilbert.  Permanently. 

I'm in ballet.

I have always loved to dance, and towards the end of the year I made a resolve to start taking ballet classes come January.  I did.  It's a healthy challenge that requires immediacy & presence.  For the mallet's sake, it strikes the physical chord that my mental/emotional side couldn't hit.  It strikes a visual chord of progress.  

I lost my big girl job.

 At the end of the year last year I was called into my bosses office to talk about my punctuality.  I had overslept through my alarm and due to the marathon, I was stuck up North.  Please let me explain to you the horror that washed across my face.  I was given warnings, "do not be late.  This must never happen again.  You are a leader in the ministry.  Your volunteers look up to you."  

Our service in the morning starts at 9am, I need to be there by 8am in order to set up the kids ministry (we occupy a school) & I came in at 8:15am which called for another red flag- which opened their eyes to the fact that I had no idea what I was doing.  Then I was monitored by the person who's job I had taken over- and that only made matters worse, because now there was still a lack of communication but it was bolstered by someone taking notes on my every move.  It was no longer a good fit.   They also need someone who isn't as transient as myself.  

Good news is, they now know what they need to tell the new Coordinator before they begin the position.  

I got a new job.

Literally the same day as the new bassist/worship leader for one of the bands at Church.  Humbling, awesome, challenging, and awesome.  My fingers smell like metal & my nails are clean & trimmed.  Also, who knew about hand positions for chord structures making life so much easier?  

I'm a developing artist again.

 Praise God, my first audition in 2 years for a performance role landed me a slot in a goofball spoof of Bill & Ted's Most Excellent Adventures.  Legit show in a legit theatre with a legit company playing the bass guitar as Marie Antionette.  

First film audition in 1 year landed me a role in a short for Tribeca, again, goofy but I get to keep a Salsa dress. 

Redmoon's Lunatique Ensemble.  Hopefully, they'll let me out of rehearsal on Thursday so I can convince Redmoon to let me drive the huge vehicles.  Please let me wear a ridiculous costume & drive a huge tricked out range rover in front of 1200 Chicago St Patrick's Day enthusiasts.  Please.

I lost my camera cable (coffee shop blues), but have been taking many photos & videos that I hope to relaunch soon onto the TIC project.  My poetry is also getting a lot better, & tomorrow night marks my first ever evening at the Green Mill.  

Stand up has been pretty decent, but the shows i'm in right now are taking up time.  One at a time people, one at a time.  I am hoping as I gain more cleanliness & focus between my mind & my emotions my art will become more refined as well.  I started a new canvass.

Class on Ephesians.

This class also started the first week of January.  Ephesians is a great book if you ever want to crack that thing...pray first, and then crack.  Paul talks explains to use the mystery that is Christ.  That Christ dwells inside of us.  The same spirit that raised Christ from the dead dwells inside of us.  Paul spells out to us what it means, why it looks like you're keeping it cool, & with practice I imagine you do.  In Christ, with love- "with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love."  How does this translate into daily living?  If something doesn't go our way we're happy, if someone comes at us with anger we do not grumble or hold bitterness, if we are in some manner wronged or taken advantage of, we do not seek revenge, & if someone is going through something, we bear with them in love.  Unconditional love, not what ifs or because or "oh i sees".  Enacted love in Christ.

The next 3-5 months are not going to be necessarily easy.  I feel disqualified in many areas of my life, because I honestly do not know how to react or what to do.  I know i'm not.  It's just a period of extraordinary growth & i'm grateful for grace from my friends & family.  To end on a small metaphor:

 There's been something off in my gears &  I have taken my feet off of the pedals in order to see what's really happening.  Once my gear shaft is back in alignment, I should be able to pedal along side of anyone unhindered-instead of fighting what I do not understand.