Nobody Reads This Blog

So, as we all write to be read, I imagine this is the safest place to vent.

I am beginning a healing process that is going to suck.  The first couple weeks are going to be difficult, and rightly so- i've seen enough bs in my life to write a couple books.  In the interest of those around me, I do try to keep my conditioned behaviours to myself, but in times of importance, they come out- in manners that make me want to sit myself down & pour water all over my head.  Sounds crazy, but the more water you put on your face the less likely you are to open your mouth.

I'm looking forward to holding onto the beneficial things that I have developed, tendencies that I appreciate in my personality, like being genuine in the moment----caring about other people----and finding joy in everything.  These, once, necessary things can still be applied to my life as I move out of survival mode and into my real life.

I know, what you may be thinking, that this is my real life, that this is who I am- but I do not, and will not accept those parts of me that are not beneficial to the growth & furthering of my relationships with those around me, and ultimately, myself.  Praise God I receive contentment from serving & worshiping the Lord because if I didn't know that truth, if I was blind & refused to serve my God, I would probably be dead.  Ain't a joke folks.  I should be dead.

My roommate spoke to me a few days ago about people who pretend to have mental illness and things wrong with them for attention.  It had never occurred to me that these people actually exist.  As if it were some game.  False thinking patterns that you can state plainly, "aren't real, aren't true", but yet evoke a reaction as if they were the truth are- frustrating.  Knowing everything is ok, being happy and excited about your life and those in it- only to find yourself in a battle with the reactions that once protected your heart & your mind, you feel crazy.

Imagine if you went sailing & the first half of your journey was nothing but hurricane after hurricane.  You learned to move fast, to cover the length of the bow in seconds, to withstand heavy forces of nature by remaining rigid and unchanging or in some cases by just accepting the storm as fact, and learning to exist in it---everything becomes normal after a while.  The tight grip on the wheel becomes normal, the pain of the cold becomes normal, all of these things become normal- & then, the storm goes away. In stormy weather where these things are necessary, they now serve no purpose & only confuse those around you, and yourself- running around the ship like a mad man, holding onto the wheel for dear life, being in a survival mode & never enjoying the gentle sway of the ship in calm waters.  Forget swimming!

We were never meant to live like this.  Life was never intended to be painful or difficult, and I know this.  I can feel this, and I appreciate this & hopefully soon i'll actually be able to USE this information to progress & grow to be the woman that I am.  I'ma age like California Valley Pinot.

Life is pretty freaking simple, and easy, and lovely, especially when you have been blessed with the opportunities I have but at this point I sound something like, "Wow this sunshine feels great quick pass me the bucket we're sinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  We're not sinking.  We won't sink.   In order to move forward with my life I have to uncondition these things.  Teach myself how to be calm, & how to enjoy things.  How to feel things completely.

If you read my stuff, it's as if the tarp, that disgusting tarp, is fighting back.  Suffocating me, and not allowing me to progress.  Over these next three months, and with the help of someone else I look forward to burning that tarp & understanding what it is to be who I am and interact with others in a healthy manner.  Now that i've scared off all the weak. Hahahaha...aah

Nobody taught me how to have a healthy relationship, everything was considered difficult, and more importantly, I was taught to distrust those closest to me.  Why i'm not looking for a relationship. Haha, goodness I would be a disaster.  I'm in a relationship with Jesus which is a joke if you don't believe in God, even more so if you refuse to accept the divinity of Christ- - but I am, and that solidity of my faith is the only thing that keeps me grounded.  The rest of the world seems ridiculous.  The rest of the world is ridiculous.

I am 25, and I'm not worried about being married, or having children.  My husband will cherish me, & my children will be strong.  I'm not worried about my art, I am an artist & God has blessed me with more than enough talents to keep  me busy and moving forward.  Mind & Body & Spirit.  I'm not even worried about getting to a place where the instinct is no longer to abandon ship.  These things will happen.  Frankly, i'm not worried.  Just, a bit, fragile & vulnerable.  Good thing nobody reads this blog.