Understand I will risk looking insane

     I am a coward. I am a coward with a lot of passion, and so the efforts made in attempt to satiate that passion come off as some sort of decency. If God so loved the world that he made it & God knew me before I was made then, in my inadequacies- in the struggle, that is where the perfection rests because that is where I am the weakest. My relying on God is where the coward is covered, where the struggle in my own lameness pierces the darkness. Note that this struggle, this constant pursuit of Christian living is not my own, I can't take credit for it- there is no glory for me in saying that I am a loserface who is terrified of risking things that are important to me & have to rely on my Creator to complete me.
     The greek translation for the word judgement is the exact opposite of the word "patience". And in describing the point of which I can say, this is how I see myself- this is the growth I must make, I pass judgement, and if I were to dictate every awareness then I would seem a bit psychotic- maybe that's why crazy people are crazy, because they are madly aware of the world around them & have no reason not to share it. Even when they feel like Elvis or a giant bunny for like whacking off a bunch of children to protect them from their future- continual self awareness is great but worthless if it's massively exploited.
     I can rightly walk into this world and say HERE! THESE ARE MY FLAWS! ACCEPT ME! and you have to- we have pills to take care of the things we don't like- women are vastly more depressed then they used to be, children are vastly more adhd, food allergies are off the charts with this generation (also coincidentally apparently this year's infants are the ugliest in the last decade- who woke up one morning and said, i shall catalog all of the infants from prettiest to ugliest- we live in a society where if you are this or if you are that, then you must be accepted. You are accepted, and no one is allowed to say anything.
      Which is fine. Which is important. When pass judgement on others we are not being patient enough to say OK I see you where you're at, and I'm willing to chillafy & see what happens. We live in a society where control, power, and mine mine mine are the things that are promoted the most- and those who-regardless of their faith- have woken up can see that this is the mentality that is suffocating the growth and life of our entire planet.
     So let's break it down smaller- when I say ok, this is where I am, this is where I can grow, this is what's deemed "wrong" (i put wrong in quotations because the moment you say there's a problem or an issue or something isn't there yet- people get defensive) & then I say ok, well because this is a behavior that I need to fix, a character flaw that needs improvement - I will make steps towards that goal, in doing so I say ok byebye to pattern from behavior-
     IE, I slept in, it made me lazy, I stopped hitting snooze.  I blacked out 3 out of the 5 times I drank when I was in college, I stopped drinking for a while. I struggle with anxiety & doubts & lies that have been literally pounded into my head, & it would always hit me in the morning when I first woke up. Flashbacks of conversations, or situations, & legit concerns about the well being of my life muddy up the happy. NOW as in three days ago I broke down, tired of it, and prayed thanking God for removing those doubts and lies from me, completely, & replacing them with truth. BOOM haven't had a horrid thought in the morning since.
     I know that my mind wanders- I can invent situations, logical, truthful situations about the possibilities of things when always, I know that those invented situations have nothing to do with fact. (I'm extremely rational, rational creatives are DANGEROUS)  That wandering mind isn't a flaw, it's a gift- a misplaced gift- I should be writing, me sleeping in isn't wrong, it's misplaced- it should be evened out a little & worked into my day to day, intermingled somewhere during my GO GO GO week. The ability to drown at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey & not bat an eye is a misplaced use of submersion in something that is outside of me- same thing with sex which is awful because sex IS NOT OUTSIDE OF YOU- and Praise God that that detachment has long since been eradicated, MLECK. I'm not saying that whiskey is bad, or that sex is bad, or that sleep is bad, or that imagination is bad-simply misplaced & it's the idea behind it that forms the function, that function drives the vehicle- and depending on the idea behind the function that vehicle can be beautiful and grow or it can crash horribly into a brick wall.
    A couple days ago I was riding my bicycle worshiping and praying & some clarity finally came into perspective.  I want to love, and dote, and give, and give, and share, and love, and dote- & not because it's a win-win compromise with society or because of some covert ulterior motives or because I can always take care of myself later.  Or because i'm complete so I can lend a hand-  I'm not the one who completes me- i'm not the one who puts food in my mouth, or puts the roof over my head- i'm not the one who clothes my back - IN FACT, i'm currently wearing 3 articles of clothing that I purchased- the rest were hand me downs, or hand me, founds.  I am not the one who takes care of me, & if the God of the Universe, the Creator of the entire everything loves me, then YES I can love & dote and give, and share and share and give and love because it's not coming from me, I am a vessel full of this awesome love that wants to be poured out, splash your face!
      Understand I will risk looking insane because it's not about me.  Understand I will risk looking insane because in Christ there is no reason to fear.  Understand I will risk looking insane as my passions realign to where they should be.