Lies All Lies

Recently, as in the past couple of months, God has been revealing to me certain lies that I have believed about myself, and my past relationships. It's stupidly funny how much I have thought I didn't matter, how much I thought the complete jerkiness of the men in my life was my fault, and how much I had neglected to share with those closest to me for fear of screwing things over- fear of hurting them - fear i'd be a burden. These aren't healthy attitudes. More importantly, they aren't me. I thought I was only good at ruining relationships, the lie I was told was one of complete disdain but I heard it so much that I believed it. And it really sucks that that's what I thought, that that's the reason why I wouldn't get involved with someone or take a chance, and the only reason why I'm putting it in the past tense is because I hope that with time & some truth these awful feelings of being a horrible person will go away.

I'm not a horrible person. Surprise! I'm not a whore. Surprise! I'm not a waste of space or of skin. Surprise! I'm not a waste of time. I'm not back-up, or sloppy seconds. I'm actually worth as much as I feel inside, and inside of me there's a lot of worth and it brings great joy to me on the daily. Lies are sick because you don't actually have to actively believe them for them to inform your decisions. Some of them are preposterous and I know that but they're still there, and they're obnoxious. It hurts to think that they were the reason why I would sabotage the things that made me the happiest, somewhere down the line someone told me that I didn't deserve to be happy. And that little lie has kept me from enjoying so much. Religion didn't tell me that, God didn't tell me that, someone told me that. Someone that was really close to me. They also told me that I was nothing if I didn't have a boyfriend, a lie, also told me that I would never marry, that I wasn't worthy of anyone's affection because they thought it of themselves. Stuff like that sticks with you longer than you think. Ignoring falsehoods does nothing to undo the damage they do to you emotionally and spiritually. So I'm recognizing them, and renouncing them. Officially.
The three men who took advantage of me, took advantage of me out of aggression & desperation, the woman who couldn't see outside of herself, couldn't see outside of herself because she couldn't love herself, the women who spread rumors, spread rumors out of fear & control, the men who crushed my heart, crushed my heart because they were desperate to feel something. I can no longer take responsibility for their actions. I didn't make them do these things. The beauty that rests inside of me is still inside of me- nothing has changed, there is no change to my life with the understanding that these lies have all been lies. I'm still myself. I'm just as awesome as I've always been ;) The only reason why i'm crying is because I feel kinda dumb to have let myself ignore these things for so long. Lying is a waste of time.